Schein writes that as consultants, we are constantly collecting data about ourselves, others and all the dynamics that are created when human beings get in pairs or groups and interact. To be really good at recognizing this data, we have to be present. I am reminded of a clock I saw recently in someone's office (and I want to get one for myself). In the center of a clock sits a happy fat Buddha and the numbers from 1-12 on the face of the clock are replaced with the word "now", 12 times. As the second hand moves, one can only think to oneself that the time is now, now, now, now.
Here's an interaction I had with an acquaintance on Saturday:
Friend: Sorry I complained so much to you the other day about work.
Me: It's okay, I understand. It doesn't sound like it's a good situation right now.
Friend then proceeds to share more of his frustrations about work.
Friend: I'm thinking I need to tell my boss that I'm not going to do (expanded job responsibilities) because he hasn't gotten me a raise or sent me to training. That would really *** him off.
Me: Yes, you could do that. Or you could say instead that you would be really HAPPY to take on these new job responsibilities but in order to do that, you need X,Y and Z resources to do it well.
Friend is silent.
This brief interaction is full of data about what's really going on that was not said. The little I got out of it, in hindsight, is this: I fell into the trap of giving advice that was not solicited. My friend did not ask for help! I did not engage in pure inquiry and when straight to telling what to do. Once I did that, my friend's silence is a clue to something--not sure what, but pretty sure we weren't collaborating in a helping relationship at that point in time.
I have thought a bit about why I went to the place I did during this interaction and part of it is expedience--I didn't plan to spend a great deal of time trying to understand the nature of his problem so I stopped listening and started telling. But I think I have learned more about the nature of helping in this interaction and the very deep desire for humans to feel like they can and do help, even if it's not received that way by the other. Perhaps I'll be able to write more about this later.
Makes sense. I blame the public school system for my “answer-reflex.” Someone has to take the fall for this! In school, we often shot our hands up in the air following the teacher’s question or statement to show that we had the answer. We wanted the teacher to know that we were competent. Shift into the workforce. We’re at a staff meeting or something, and again, we want to demonstrate that we are competent by immediately presenting solutions. This conditioning impacts listening skills. Listen degrades to becoming a skill of hearing in order to inject answers.
ReplyDeleteWhen my wife and I were first married, we’d discuss our workdays over dinner. She would tell of a situation or problem at her workplace and I’d download all sorts of answers. I often used that deadly phrase: “What you need to do is……” After doing this one time too many, she asked if I was capable of shutting up and simply listening to her without making judgment calls or providing instruction. I had a moment of learning. Now I try to ASK instead of TELL. I may say, “How did that make you feel…?” or “Tell me more about the situation…” And sometimes I will ask: “Do you want me to only listen or do you want me to think of answers?”
My concern when I am in the consultant role is that my answer-reflex will kick in so that I may display my level of competence. To avoid this, I plan on actually writing myself a note on my pad when meeting with the client. It will read: “Shut up. Ask questions. Don’t TELL.”
By the way, a couple of weeks ago we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s been the happiest years of my wife’s life.
Penny,
ReplyDeleteI often shift into a similar telling mode with my friends (and my spouse to echo Robert's comment) but I tend do so with a "get it done or move on" mentality. There's actually a better colloquialism for this: "poop or get off the pot"! I want people to be willing to fix their problems or at least to be quiet and stop complaining. But it is not human nature to be quiet and I know that my approach is not at all sympathetic.
It is a time and stress issue for me as well - I don't prefer to spend the little free time I have listening to complaints. But for this very reason, Schein's encouragement about the helping relationship where we listen in order to help others learn to solve their problems is so critical for me! I need to be willing to stop, listen and realize that the friend is really not asking for my time, they are just looking for their opportunity.